REPUBLICANISM FOUND TO BE GENETIC IN ORIGIN

LOS ANGELES, C.A. — The discovery that affiliation with the Republican
Party is genetically determined announced by scientists in the current
issue of the journal Nurture has caused uproar among traditionalists who believe
it is a chosen lifestyle. Reports of the gene coding for political conservatism,
discovered after a decades-long study of quintuplets in Orange County, CA,
has sent shock waves through the medical, political, and golfing
communities.Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans’
unnatural disregard for the poor and frequently unconstitutional
tendencies resulted from dysfunctional family dynamics — a remarkably high percentage of
Republicans do have authoritarian , domineering fathers and emotionally – distant
mothers who didn’t teach them how to be kind and gentle. Biologists have
long suspected that conservatism is inherited.

“After all,” said one author of the NURTURE article, “It’s quite common
for a Republican to have a brother or sister who is a Republican.” The finding
has been greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of Republicans
(PFREP), who sometimes blame themselves for the political views of
otherwise lovable children, family, and unindicted co-conspirators.

One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in ecstasy on
hearing of the findings. “I just knew it was genetic,” she said, seated
with her two sons, both avowed Republicans. “My boys would never freely choose that
lifestyle!” When asked what the Republican lifestyle was, she said, “You
can just tell watching their conventions in Houston and San Diego on TV: the
flaming xenophobia, flamboyant demagogy, disdain for anyone not rich, you
know.”

Both sons had suspected their Republicanism from an early age but did not
confirm it until they were in college, when they became convinced it
wasn’t just a phase they were going through.

The NURTURE article offered no response to the suggestion that the high
incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from their sharing
not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitude as products of the
same parents and family dynamics.

A remaining mystery is why many Democrats admit to having voted Republican
at least once — or often dream or fantasize about doing so. Polls show that
three out of five adult Democrats have had a Republican experience,
although most outgrow teenage experimentation with Republicanism.

Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward eliminating
conservophobia. They argue that since Republicans didn’t “choose” their
lifestyle any more than someone “chooses” to have a ski-jump nose, they shouldn’t be denied
civil rights which other minorities enjoy.

If conservatism is not the result of stinginess or orneriness (typical
stereotypes attributed to Republicans) but is something Republicans can’t
help, there’s no reason why society shouldn’t tolerate

Republicans in the military or even high elected office — provided they
don’t flaunt their political beliefs.

For many Americans, the discovery opens a window on a different future. In
a few years, gene therapy might eradicate Republicanism altogether.

But should they be allowed to marry?Bob Broderick
Six Sigma Black Belt
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